Friday, September 08, 2006

You aren't cocky when its true...


Because some of you have questioned the validity of my martial renassiance I call Octagon fighting, my dominance of the sport, and my ability to make women drop their clothes like they are on fire when i enter a room, I decided to compile a list of achievements, skills, and fun factoids to educate you frosted flake eating brace-faces that are faking illnesses to stay home from school so you can read my gospel. long insult, i know. I am warning you, as Sensai Jiu once told me, "Minds cannot grasp that which it cannot see." So quit bein' a retard and wrap your noggin around these golden nuggets

1. I can defy space and time. How? ahh, you would like to know, you would like to study me, put me in a cage and run tests on me. that would make you happy, make you really pleased... but i am no animal, i am no guinnea pig you can fatten up and thin down at your pleasure. I am an american eagle, one with a cool sharp beak that can poke out eyeballs and open walnuts for my squirrel friends, allow them to eat the hearty nut, then, unknowenst to them, eat THEM once they have finished their last meal! Sometimes i make funny jokes before i eat them, say some cold shit like, "Oh, that nut was tasty was it not? You should eat more of them, i hear the crop has been pretty good.... IN HELL!!!!" hmmm, that's not really great, the whole "IN HELL!" thing might be tired...i'll think about it a bit longer

2. I can speak walrian languages, all dialects. and by that i mean i can speak to walruses. manatees are also my friends. Sea lions, not so much. those little fuckers told me i needed a dickfor if i wanted to hold my breath underwater in salt water. i laughed, told them no need, i can breath underwater (seriously) and went on my way. but it dawned on me, what the hells a dickfor? so i turned and asked, and they laughed at me and called me a butt anenome or something stupid and i cried. my tears are made of 97 octane, one of the after effects of growing up next to a refinery, so they lit my face on fire. long story short and lots of corrective surgery later it all worked out. i look a lot more like my idol, Corey Haim, and it was cool cause i got to choose my new face. my triple cleft is gone, and chicks used to dig it, so thats a bummer

3. I can breath underwater (see above)

4. i won a nobel piece prize, i got it by threatening the board of electors with a party sub of elbow drops and a few 2 liters of blood and tears to wash it down. i really said that! and after that description, said, "so, you guys want to party or what? " they said no and gave me the award. coldest shit that ever happened in history, that's what my wikipedia page says, citate (Site, sitation?) that a-holes

5. You= loser, me= lady chooser

6. one time i got my picture taken with chuck norris... true story. i asked him if i could get a polaroid with him, he said it was cool. so i took the pic, said thanks, shook my polaroid picture like a... polaroid picture, and as he began to walk away, i said, "Chuck, buddy, one more sec." he turned around and said, "yes, my warrior apprentice".... i grabbed chuck, pinned him down, and shoved the picture so far up his ass that i lodged it behind his EYEBALLS!!! totally ruined my new tommy hilfiger logo sweater. so, from then on, when he closed his eyes, he would see my face and know i am his decider....

7. i am starting a voluntary program for women, one to bring hope to the community. I plan on sleeping with every woman alive (of age of course) on the PLANET so if i ever have an argument with anyone, now or in the future, i can say "that's what your mom said when i was bonin' her" and it would hurt even that much more.

8. i want to release all the captive doves.... at funerals when i get done going all dojo loco on em.

9. i would really like to be in the next installment of the karate kid. but i hear my back hair is not camera friendly, and i really don't want to shave it. my mom says its my teddy bear fur.

10. I know for a fact that the ninja turtles DO NOT exist. i spent a good part of the nineties scouring the worlds sewer systems in search of these reptilian ambassadors of poop and throwing stars. guess what, never saw them, they are fake, i even flushed a few of my box turtle's (name is Chummers, he's a great friend) babies that it gave birth to down the toilet, placed a sardine pizza next to the toilet to lure them back up.... and nothing. totally lame

that pic above is chummers, my box turtle! he is a riot, look at him, i told him to do a serious picture but NOOOOO! he had to be all silly, what a goof!

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